HOWSKI OF SUTKOWSKI
  • Home
  • Blog du moment
  • Music
    • My Bands
    • My Album, "Natural Impressions," Lives Here!
  • Books
  • Whoski?
  • Writerly Deets

You can pick your friends

3/25/2017

3 Comments

 
Picture
via therealbrute/Flickr
Just because it rhymes doesn’t mean people should always be friends to the end. Sure, “friends until the point you stop enriching each other’s lives” doesn’t have the same ring to it, but it makes more sense. I’m all for being amicable and great with people, but one has to remember that relationships end. And, oh, what is right for oneself? That pesky number one.

I ran into an old friend with whom I’d had an ugly falling out some years ago. And when we saw each other it had been so long we just talked like old times and silently buried the hatchet (not in each other’s skulls). I had another situation with an ex-friend who came back into my life as well. I could remember the event, but couldn’t pinpoint what had happened to make me feel so wronged when the rift happened.

I keep thinking about Season 1, Episode 3 of Chef’s Table which shows Francis Mallmann’s life of freedom in Patagonia and his travels. People have a lot to say about Mallmann (and his parenting style), but as a recovering people pleaser, I appreciate the ability to emulate his integrity and candor, if only a little.
Picture
​Mallmann says: “I seldom invite people to have lunch or dinner with me, but they’re really chosen, because I can’t spend time with people that I don’t enjoy. I can’t do it anymore as theater. I make choices and that’s a beautiful thing about growing up: learning to say no. In a nice way, you say no. I have this friend of mine, he was on the land in fact 30 years ago when we first started, and we parted, we just went different ways in our lives. Once he came back to me and he said, ‘Francis, you don’t like me anymore.’ And I said, ‘No, it’s not that I don’t like you, we’ve chosen different styles of life. I still have these beautiful souvenirs of all the things we did together, and how close we were and so on, but the truth is, it’s not that you bore me, but I don’t enjoy talking to you anymore. And I don’t want to fight with you, but you know, there’s nothing in common between your life and mine nowadays.’ I would have never said that to him, but he asked me, so what could I say? I said the truth. But you know, growing up has a bit to do with that. To be able to tell the truth. To show who you are. Even if it hurts.”

I also appreciate this, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer: “I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.”

Scoop that up in your people-pleasing spork and chew on it. I certainly am. Doesn’t it make sense to consider our own integrity at least as much as other people’s feelings? Maybe it’s the path to not being codependent. Truth, integrity, more meaningful relationships (and happier meals).

(This Full Frontal column originally appeared in the Newport Mercury.)
3 Comments
Jan B.
4/29/2017 04:58:17 am

Really got to the core of your message. I realized it was time to dump my "friend" of 45 years after taking her most insolent disregard of me. I don't know if I'm more pissed off of her or myself for taking her crap over the years.
Her last few actions were so bad that I am still in a form of shock. Could anybody really be that callous? Yup, they can be.
So, I did a silent good bye with not calling her, sending birthday greetings or communicating in any shape or form. That was about four years ago.
Don't miss her or her nasty treatment of me. All I can say is this, she lost the best friend she ever had or ever will have.

Reply
Jenn Sutkowski link
4/29/2017 04:32:12 pm

Cheers to you, Jan!! I hope that has opened up more room for you for better friends -- those who appreciate you and treat you as well as you treat the people you love. I'm sorry you were treated crappily and THANK YOU for sharing your experience. It's good and so heartening to hear about people who did it and didn't regret it. Sometimes in the moment it can be hard to make that choice, so to hear a few year after the fact that it was a great choice is helpful. :-)

Reply
Jenn Sutkowski link
4/29/2017 05:16:01 pm

*years




Leave a Reply.

    RSS Feed

    Picture
    I insisted on having this kind of school photo taken in first grade and believed the serious face was a capture of my very soul. #soulphotobomb

    It's me, Jennifer Bernice (rhymes with "Furnace": it was my Granny's name) Sutkowski

    • More details about my writing here.

    Archives

    November 2022
    August 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    January 2022
    March 2021
    January 2021
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    March 2020
    January 2020
    June 2019
    May 2019
    December 2018
    October 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014

      Sign up and get my free 10K Hours of Getting Funnier in 10 Min ebook!

    Gimme My Funny!
Like a tarot card wrapped in a pierogi swathed in a dream.
©2005-present Jenn Sutkowski unless otherwise noted and linked. No steal-y, no squeal-y. Privacy policy here.
Proudly powered by Weebly
  • Home
  • Blog du moment
  • Music
    • My Bands
    • My Album, "Natural Impressions," Lives Here!
  • Books
  • Whoski?
  • Writerly Deets