You Don't Have to Know
Yeah, so, hey, everything’s great, huh? Haha.
Yeah, baby, YEAH.
I mean, I am in pretty good shape. But this Venus retrograde, Mercury retrograde, pandemic, PMS, various moon phases, living across the country from my people, etc. what have you, has been kicking my ass.
So I’ve been trying to deepen into my connection with the divine feminine, let myself be asea if need be, explore what there is to learn, and continue to trust my life and choices.
See, my husband and I moved across the country thinking we would have a fresh start and then like do all this band stuff we’ve wanted to do and it would all be hunky dory and we’d ride off into the sunset playing our instruments and and and.
Ya cute, Sutkowski, I find myself saying more often lately.
Looking, there are many things that I feel good about, how I’ve grown. But I’ve had to be very mindful about looking at those things and writing them down and seeing that how I feel right at this second (I’m OK, but it’s been the poops, to be honest) is not a litmus test for whether my choices and heart are to be trusted or not.
I remember years ago I was having a bit of an existential crisis and this one thing about having a “mustard seed of faith” I had heard stuck with me. I didn’t even go to Church anymore, let alone buy into those kinds of Church-y things. But I realized if I could just have a mustard seed sized bit of faith in myself, of life moving forward, of trust that I would eventually turn the corner, I would be alright. And I did turn the corner. So I’m thinking about that now. This is not even as shit as that was back then. And I’m far more resilient than I used to be.
Just sharing where I’m at. Wondering how you’re doing and if you’re needing a mustard seed of something good in all this wilderness? Consider this my handing it to you. Because it’s enough. I believe that.
Joan Didion wrote, “I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.”
This is a huge part of why I write as well, and in some cases, like when I need a dose of guidance, why I write music, too. Besides writing what I need to express, I write to hear what I need to hear. So I came across this bit of guidance writing and recording this song snippet. Maybe you need this message too? XO
I’ve been hiking in the existential hinterland for some time. But I’ve been out to sea too long, to quote Max Fisher in Rushmore. And other mixed metaphors. Home to roost.
About a year ago I lost my niece to Acetaminophen poisoning. A couple weeks later my cat passed. I’m not telling you this for a bunch of sympathy (though that would be fine and appreciated). I’ve been on an inner journey for quite some time, is the point.
Grief was like the ocean just picking me up and I had no choice but to lift my little feet and let the current take me. So I did that. And then it had been so long I didn’t write on here for a while. So now that I’ve been plopped back onto the sand…HI! Cough cough cough.
I figured the start of 2022 would be a good time to reflect and envision. I believe in the collective heft of the turning of the calendar year. I won’t add my two cents to what everyone else has to say about resolutions. Just: I like the turn of the wheel and that lots of people are simultaneously making intentions.
Deepening into my connection and knowing of the divine feminine.
Standing in my own power, and letting the waves of other people’s stuff, viral mutations, and so forth wash over and pass without getting too knocked off my own center.
More music – keep writing, keep recording, share more work.
Get this particular book I’m writing in shape to be seen and published (getting there).
Keep eyes and ears and heart open for where I can be more inclusive.
Stay open and listen for the next right thing.
Trust my life and the lit path.
In 2021, I:
Moved through grief
Put our first Trippy Hearts record out, made a video, worked with a promo company and got some nice radio play, had our first show finally.
Made a video with my other band, East Witch West, and wrote some more songs; moving closer to releasing two records when we can make that happen.
Had adventures with Brent and worked on communication and expanded our family adopting kittehs.
Deepened into amazing friendships and family love and forged new promising relationship.
Deepened into my resilience.
Deepened into my Knowing born of the divine feminine and my spiritual practices.
Worked diligently on my boundaries and letting go of high functioning codependency while being gentle with myself.
Got a new therapist I love and worked with another amazing one for a while who was trauma-informed and skills-based. I have some pretty great tools now.
Traveled and had fun times (Portland, OR; McCall, ID; Saddle River, NJ; Cambridge, MA).
Hugged many of my loved ones for the first time in a long time.
Had favorite peeps visit.
Finished another draft of my book working with a book coach (onto the next draft…getting there!).
Finished tamoxifen thereby finishing the end of the five-year span of having had DCIS and being out of the woods of recurrence (not that recurrence was expected).
Got published in an anthology.
Got Covid. Was scared. Then was like, Whoa, this famous being came to town. It was weird. We did OK thanks to being vaxxed.
Took major care of myself with meditation, good food, Daily Burn (exercised most days), walking by the river a lot, listening to nature and books and learning.
Found joy where I could find joy.
What have you been up to? Snug as a bug in a rug? Out in space? Looking for the joy? Ahoy!
(As for my band t-shirt in the above pic, here's La Luz's newest album if you need some beautiful tunes...)
It's me, Jennifer Bernice (rhymes with "Furnace": it was my Granny's name) Sutkowski
• More details about my writing here.