Yeah, so, hey, everything’s great, huh? Haha.
Yeah, baby, YEAH.
I mean, I am in pretty good shape. But this Venus retrograde, Mercury retrograde, pandemic, PMS, various moon phases, living across the country from my people, etc. what have you, has been kicking my ass.
So I’ve been trying to deepen into my connection with the divine feminine, let myself be asea if need be, explore what there is to learn, and continue to trust my life and choices.
See, my husband and I moved across the country thinking we would have a fresh start and then like do all this band stuff we’ve wanted to do and it would all be hunky dory and we’d ride off into the sunset playing our instruments and and and.
Ya cute, Sutkowski, I find myself saying more often lately.
Looking, there are many things that I feel good about, how I’ve grown. But I’ve had to be very mindful about looking at those things and writing them down and seeing that how I feel right at this second (I’m OK, but it’s been the poops, to be honest) is not a litmus test for whether my choices and heart are to be trusted or not.
I remember years ago I was having a bit of an existential crisis and this one thing about having a “mustard seed of faith” I had heard stuck with me. I didn’t even go to Church anymore, let alone buy into those kinds of Church-y things. But I realized if I could just have a mustard seed sized bit of faith in myself, of life moving forward, of trust that I would eventually turn the corner, I would be alright. And I did turn the corner. So I’m thinking about that now. This is not even as shit as that was back then. And I’m far more resilient than I used to be.
Just sharing where I’m at. Wondering how you’re doing and if you’re needing a mustard seed of something good in all this wilderness? Consider this my handing it to you. Because it’s enough. I believe that.
Joan Didion wrote, “I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.”
This is a huge part of why I write as well, and in some cases, like when I need a dose of guidance, why I write music, too. Besides writing what I need to express, I write to hear what I need to hear. So I came across this bit of guidance writing and recording this song snippet. Maybe you need this message too? XO
It's me, Jennifer Bernice (rhymes with "Furnace": it was my Granny's name) Sutkowski
• More details about my writing here.