T.HANKS

My niece sent me the best thank you note I’ve ever seen and I’ve been musing about Thomas Jeffrey Hanks ever since.

Letterpress card by Blue Barnhouse in Wilmington, North Carolina

I had a fantasy today about meeting Tom Hanks. What would I do? I usually don’t get too star-struck, though I think for Tam Honks (thank you, Fey-Poehler) I would make an exception.

I’ve loved you since “Bosom Buddies.” I had a Steiff kangaroo I named “Kip” after you in “Bosom Buddies.” I think your character on “Bosom Buddies” is why I have a strange and maybe slightly fetish-y attraction to drag queens.

Too weird.

My husband suggested I just sing the song from “Big”:

Shimmy shimmy cocoa puff, shimmy shimmy rockShimmy shimmy cocoa puff, shimmy shimmy rock
I met a girlfriend — a Triscuit!
She said a Triscuit — a biscuit!
Ice cream soda pop, vanilla on the top
Ooo, Shalita, walkin’ down the street, ten times a week
I meant it, I said it, I stole my mama’s credit
I’m cool, I’m hot, sock me in the stomach three more times

Yeah, that would go over better. I love everything about “Big.” All I wanted was to stand out the top of that limo with you set to Billy Idol’s “Hot in the City” and then jump on the trampoline with you. I also wanted to play chopsticks on the grandest of pianos in FAO Schwartz with you.

How about that moment at the end of “Captain Phillips” when you’re with the medics and you break down because you held it together for so long and to save the lives of your crew and keep a strong face? That was incredible. It made me cry, a lot. It was such a real moment. Thank you.

“Forrest Gump”? Are you fucking kidding me? I think Steve Schuler, who did a lot of work for my parents when I was growing up, said it best: “Forrest Gump has EVERYTHING.”

“Philadelphia,” “The Green Mile,” “Toy Story,” “You’ve Got Mail,” “Splash”?!! Motherfucking “SPLASH”!!! 

“A League of Their Own.” “The Money Pit.” “The Burbs.” WTF.

Dipping his toe in the Cohen brothers water with “The Ladykillers.” “Sleepless in [GDMF] Seattle.” And don’t get me started about “Saving Private Ryan” (which spawned the best porn spoof name I’ve ever heard: “Shaving Ryan’s Privates”). Come on.

All the while — being NICE. God I hope Tom Hanks is as nice in real life as he’s seemed all these years. Maybe it’s best I don’t meet him. But I want to. Not in, like, a stalker-y way. In a I-want-you-to-dress-like-a-woman-and-I’ll-wear-a-mermaid-tail-and-break-glass-with-my-voice-while-jumping-on-a-trampoline-and-we’ll-share-a-box-of-chocolates-while-following-where-feathers-lead way. Yeah… WAY less creepy.

Hanks for the memory
Seattle afternoons, high-pitched mermaid poons
Money pits, pirated ships and 1930s prison goons
How lovely it was

Hanks for the memory
Of boxed chocolates and tiny corn, shaving Ryan's porn
Woody for kids, those Klopeks and "The DaVinci Code's" Catholic scorn
How lovely it was

Hanks for the memory
Partnered up with Hooch, or rocking one red shoe
The mispronounced “Oneders” in the cute “That Thing You Do”
How lovely it was

Hanks for the memory
AOL’s “Hello,” you thought of Jenny so
Volcano Joe, perdition roads, volley-bros before hoes
How lovely it was