Impractically fest-dressed

Illustration by Nico Ecenarro

Today the escapist in me has spent too long on the internet looking at absurd clothes. I found these thigh high psychedelic sequin tights, for example, that I cannot find any good reason to buy. But they’re on sale from $110 to $88! What a bargain!

Maybe a giant Monarch butterfly wing cape is a better choice? That one is only $45 and could certainly be used to keep the sun, the people, the malaise out of one’s face? Eh, it attaches with a choker and I already wore my fill of those in the ’90s.

This website, Dolls Kill, has the best ridiculous clothes, perfect for the most insidiously trendy festivals of the season. They even have intricate rhinestone appliqués for your face and every size and shape of glitter imaginable. And of course all the pasties you could ever shake a nipple at. I bought a friend of mine a pair of poop emoji ones. What? They were on sale! Never pay full price for #2.

Or if wearing really small things like pasties isn’t your speed, maybe wearing really big things is a better plan? I also found sunglasses from Quay Eyeware so big you can cover your whole cheeks (but not quite as big as those giant joke ones), a behemoth yellow cropped sweatshirt with bell sleeves from The Ragged Priest and mom jeans so high you may as well be nursing your waistband. Pair all that with some mermaid glitter lashes and/or a fishnet face cover and some hologram platform boots from Demonia and you’re all set (and all sweat, likely, because baking all day in the festival sun is hot. Like temperature hot, not Paris Hilton “hot”).

It’s been a long time since I had anything made of holograms, but I’m no stranger to the prism. I had a silver hologram skirt once made of some kind of plastic (probably full of BPAs, but I only consider that now that I’m in my 40s), some orange prismatic booty shorts, and glasses that had winking hologram eyes in the lenses. Those glasses, however, weren’t as cool as these Heart Attack Sunglasses by My Willows, which feature “black side chains that hook behind yer ears with black tourmaline crystals hangin’ down at the bottom.” Be still, my heart (shaped sunnies).

The sunglasses rabbit hole alone is enough to make me believe I’m in the “Telephone” video with Lady Gaga and Bey. From half-lidded cream color ones with cacti and crescent moons, to biohazard ones with spikes.

The old romper standby, however, is always a classic choice. Little pleases me more than seeing someone in a really cute one piece shorts number or jumpsuit, knowing she’ll have to get naked to use the Porta-Potty. As I giggle through my rainbow dust mask and third-eye-bedecked sunglasses. Might I suggest the more practical (but still impractical) “play set.” Still matchy-matchy, but shorts and a top. If we’ve learned anything, it’s that convenience is key. Winky-face.

Jenn Sutkowski wishes you a rainbow-hued and totally impractical festival season. And always use (sun) protection. Find her getting prismatic and being glad she appreciated without appropriating all these clothes and accessories at jennsutkowski.com (uh, here...Duh. This Full Frontal column appeared first in the Newport Mercury.)