If ads told the truth (and the best pajamas to weep into)

Some weeks you've just got to throw on an apple aura quartz crown, get weird, and write about bodily functions. (Yeah, yeah, that's most weeks for me.)

Found out I have an ovarian cyst (very likely the benign kind), the garage and patio roofs started leaking, and water began seeping up through our new floor in the basement. I cried pretty hard last weekend to round out all of the seeping surfaces and orifices. I don’t know if this is what being in touch with your environment looks like. But I could enjoy a dry spell, if so.
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Hey, shoppers! If you’re going to collect all of your tears somewhere, do it in style! The arms of these beautiful plaid pajamas are not only thick, absorbent, high-quality flannel, but they’re made by Pendleton for GAP! I've never felt cozier, or more held, while weeping.

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Oh, and while we’re on the subject of advertising how things really are, here’s one of my Instagram photos and a little bit about the almighty Medjool date, if I were to get to advertise these nuggets!

​These sweet lil turds’ll break one of one’s sugar k-hole precipitated by the season of “You’re not good enough, so buy this shit and put these foods in yer face.” Dates! Bringing you back from the American brink time and again. One sweet, organic bite at a time.  Brought to you by the California Date Commission. #palmturds

I was in the midst of doing that 10 albums that had lasting influence for you as a teen or whatever on Facebook and it got me thinking about how much I loved The Who Sell Out when I was a young child — that LP cover of Roger Daltry taking a baked beans bath disgusted and allured me all at once. I loved how a few beans were suspended up on his leg and always wondered if they had been purposefully placed there. 

In the spirit of advertising being just as weird as we are, I figured I’d do a throwback to one of the first pieces I ever submitted anywhere, which is about prescription drug commercials and what they’re really saying. It’s called “I Want Herpes,” and you can read it here (it's so old it's not even up where it was originally submitted)!

Hope you enjoy!

​Full moon feels, everybody! Friday the 13th! What have you! I hope you've been faring well and your body and house are not seeping, and, if they are, you are erring more on the side of WTF HAHAHA than OMG FML!