Feel that ache? Yeah, me too. Last night we went to a wedding of strangers (Brenton and Jenny, which we thought was funny, because we are Brent and Jenn). We were invited by the band, which was great, and it was fun. I love watching people dance. Though I drank too much cheap Chardonnay and have a hangover for the first time in a long time. Ugh.
As I watched the bride and groom and their friends dance, it occurred to me that I don’t really feel like I belong anywhere. And while that’s OK, and I have a full life, and I do belong with Brent and The Doo, it does get tiresome sometimes to watch people belonging and feeling like I don’t. When I went to the bar to get some of that oaky-ass cheap Chard I was waiting behind this gentleman who was getting a drink. This girl and her date side stepped me and cut in line. The bartender didn’t notice and served her first. It made me feel even more invisible. I justified it that I wasn’t a “real guest” and as a real guest she should get her drink first. But I was already feeling nebulous and out to space, so having someone jump in front of me solidified my already growing sense of being unmoored, like that part in Back to the Future at the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance when Marty starts to disappear in that photo.
And to continue the 80s movie references it also reminds me of Amanda Jones in Some Kind of Wonderful, when she says “I’d rather be right,” meaning she wouldn’t just hop into a relationship with anyone to avoid being alone. I don’t want to just be a part of some group to be a part of a group and satisfy my tribalism. I know plenty of groups. Good groups, too. And there are all sorts of gangs and churches and shit you can join. I’d rather be right.
I just finished reading Glennon Doyle Melton’s Love Warrior by and could not put it down. She writes about meditating for the first time and feeling like she was part of the sky. She experienced the beautiful oneness that we have with the universe. And she understood why we humans have that ache — because we want to get back there. We want the oneness. But humans are fragmented and alone, and it triggers our ache. It’s why we are sold so much shit. “They” bank on our eternal ache, and try to get us to buy stuff thinking it will fill the void. It never does. But by the time we figure it out it’s too late and we’ve already bought the thing.
This hilarious video of infomercial snafus set to the Smiths’ “Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want” is such a perfect illustration of how “them” selling us shit works so well.
So today I signed up for some deliciously woowoo courses on Udemy. Reiki I, II and Master Certification, a course on Tarot, and a Shamanic Initiation for Spiritual Awakening. Out-to-sea sense of non-belonging be damned! I throw light at you!
It's me, Jennifer Bernice (rhymes with "Furnace": it was my Granny's name) Sutkowski
• More details about my writing here.